Bring me Sunshine
by Royalistic
Summary: He'd checked her frequently during the night, reassuring himself all was well. Never before had he such a dream that was to cause him great distress and worry, all the while feeling unable to share his fears with the one he loved most...
1. Chapter 1

"I'm so sorry Gordon. There is simply nothing more we can do. We've done everything we can, but we've exhausted all our options." A man spoke, placing one hand on his shoulder, all dressed in green, his head low, secretly wishing for a better outcome. A battle he'd thought he'd win, but it wasn't to be this time.

Gordon waited patiently, watching his mug of tea slowly turn cold, untouched. Matron's hand resting on his, trying to offer him comfort, but to avail.

No words could comfort him now.

He'd lost everything. His wife, who was expecting their first child together. Everything he had had been cruelly taken from him in one go, at the end of what had been a very trying week for them all.

His patience had worn thin, exhausted from the lack of sleep, trying to seek solace in whatever he could find. It was only in the last 24 hours that'd begun to show a weaker, more vulnerable side, that noone had ever seen.

He stepped in to a room he'd been in many times before. He saw her, looking peaceful, content...

He woke suddenly, sitting up quickly, looking over and seeing Jill, who was sound asleep beside him, her head resting on a pillow next to his, unaware of what was going on beside her.

He'd had this dream before. A couple of times. Yet he couldn't understand it's meaning, and to him it was frightening, a premonition perhaps.

He'd woken several times to check all was well, that Jill was still sleeping, and breathing. He knew she was fine, yet something was telling him otherwise. He was tired yet unable to sleep. He rolled over, and looked at the clock quietly ticking on the cabinet. 2:30. He didn't need to be up for another 4 hours.

With the rain hammering against the window, he knew he was in for a long night, awake in the dark with his thoughts and dreams for company..


	2. Good Morning

Sorry it's taken so long, have finally rid myself of the awful Writers block (I think anyway), *touches wood*. Plus I have now found more time to write, and spend time on it properly!Thank you all for your patience, much appreciated!

He'd barely slept, instead listening to the howling wind blowing the rain against his slightly open window, occasionally glancing over to watch Jill, his paranoia preventing him from resting, yet he knew she was completely oblivious to his worry and distressed state.

Some of what he dreamt was true, yes Jill was pregnant, and at this time only Gordon and Mike knew, and yes she'd lost one previously, and Gordon nearly lost her. He had every reason to be worried, scared for them both, multiple miscarriages wasn't unheard of, rare yes, but something he knew existed. The first few months, he knew all too well, were crucial.

Jill, on the other hand, hadn't really spoken much about the pregnancy, trying to not get too attached, distancing herself, yet getting on with her work, Gordon taking on some of the tougher cases, some emergencies without arousing suspicion. It was common knowledge at The Royal that news travels fast, and this was something they didn't want to make public.

He glanced at his clock once more, 5:30. The wind was growing stronger, the rain showing no sign of stopping. Somehow he'd spent the last three hours drifting in and out of sleep, thinking, wanting the reassurance, the hope he was desperately searching for.

It wasn't long before he noticed Jill stirring, her eyes gradually opening, looking up at the darkened ceiling. He smiled, content knowing she'd had a good night's sleep, ready to face the day ahead.

"Good morning darling. Sleep well?" He asked, thinking he already knew her answer.

"Yes, think so..." Her reply was cut short, instead jumping out of bed, running somewhat wearily to the bathroom, Gordon following after.

Morning sickness. Something neither of them had missed, had decided to return once more.

"You ok?" Jill nodded, somewhat hesitantly. She'd forgotten the morning sickness that resulted in 2 hospital admissions last time. It definately made itself known, an experience they'd tried hard to forget.

"Sorry." She sat up, Gordon stood behind her, giving her something to lean against.

"You don't need to apologise. Really." She looked close to tears, no longer the strong person everyone thought she was.

It was all real now, the baby was real for both of them.


	3. Hopes and Fears

Gordon was busy debating whether to ring the hospital, inform them of Jill's absence, yet to her work was the last thing on her mind.

"Baby... It's really..." she leant forward, the sickness threatening to rear it's ugly head once more, with Gordon hovering behind her, trying to think of the right things to say, the events of last night beginning to come back to him, the fear, the worry, the desperation. He was as stunned as she was, the news they were expecting again, wasn't exactly welcomed with open arms. This baby, they both knew, wasn't exactly planned.

"Real. Really happening now...Baby..." He brushed her hair away from her face, which had now turned a shade of red not normally seen first thing in the mornings. To him she looked awful, something he knew would become a regular, if somewhat unwelcome daily occurence.

"We'll have to tell Mike. Maybe there's something he can do." He smiled, albeit awkwardly, shifting back slightly as Jill sat up, resting her weary head on his lap, her eyes growing heavy, wanting to sleep once more. Gordon needed to make a decision about work, he was to be Mr Rose's anaesthetist, Jill had her mother and baby clinic that afternoon. Something she wished she didn't have to do. Not today anyway.

"Look, you're in no state. Let me ring in. I'm sure they won't mind. Can ask Joan to take on your patients." Jill's eyes grew heavier, not really listening to Gordon, work was something she didn't want to think about.

"Ok... Just do whatever you need to." With Gordon's help she somehow found her feet, and walked shakily back to bed, before collapsing back, her weary head hitting the already damp tearstained pillow. Her worst fear was now a reality.

She was pregnant. There was going to be a baby, who was definately making it's presence known.

"I'll phone The Royal now, see if Mike can come over on his rounds. Won't be long." He reluctantly left, glancing back at her, before wondering out to the landing, still in a daze from the morning's events, and the lack of sleep now catching up with him. He picked up the phone, and dialled the all to familiar number, secretly hoping Lizzie would pick up, which she did, in her usual cheery manner.

"Oh hello Dr Ormerod, we were wondering where you and Dr Weatherill were... Mr Carnegie's got something he needs to discuss with you both."

"Yes, well, I'm afraid he'll have to wait, Jill's not well and she's in no state to work. Is Mike Banner in yet?" Adam was the last of Gordon's worries, and whatever it was could surely wait.

"Ooh yes, his morning surgery starts soon."

"Could you ask him to ring me? It's rather urgent please Lizzie." He hoped she'd remember, as Jill's health was not something he wanted discussed all over the hospital.

"Yes of course, I'll get him to ring as soon as he's free."

"Ok, thank you Lizzie." He put the phone down, heading back into the bedroom, where the bed was empty once more, and the bathroom door shut.

"Oh no... Not again..."


	4. I'm with you

A couple of hours had passed, and Gordon was anxiously awaiting Mike's arrival. Jill was now feeling better, yet had been advised to stay at home, much to her annoyance. She wanted to go back to normality, and continue to not attach herself to the baby that was now making it's prescence known. Although now she knew it was there, she'd refused to believe it would be successful, that after a further 6 months she'd be holding him (or her) in her arms.

She'd found solace in the bottom of a glass of water, as that was the only thing she could successfully keep down, a sign of things to come. Part of her was secretly wishing she wasn't pregnant at all. However Gordon was unaware of her negative feelings.

They'd spent some time talking, somehow managing to avoid the topic of babies, instead talking about work, life, and anything else that took their fancy, in the hope it would make time go quicker.

Which, to some extent, it did.

"I wonder what Adam wants to talk to us about." He sat down beside her, again trying to make conversation. Jill just sat there, staring into the bottom of the glass, trying hard not to think about the morning's events.

"Don't know. Am sure we'll find out soon enough." Gordon stood up, looking at the clock once more, before realising he was running out of things to say, other than talking baby.

"Mike should be here soon." Gordon was now becoming restless, desperate to talk to Jill about the baby, yet he knew she was desperate to avoid the subject. They both knew, however, that they'd need to talk about it sooner, rather than later.

Luckily, the awkward moment was interrupted by the doorbell, to which he hoped it was Mike, who would have the answers he was looking for, aswell as providing the reassurance they both desperately needed. Opening the door, albeit reluctantly, he was relieved to see Mike, standing there, on time as promised.

"Gordon, so sorry I couldn't come sooner. My ward round took longer than I thought. You know how it is." Gordon managed a weary smile and let him in, showing him into the living room, where he'd left Jill just a couple of minutes before. The room, to his horror, was checked the bathroom. Nothing.

It was Mike who discovered that Jill had infact wondered out into the garden, and was now to be found standing at the bottom of the garden, looking up at the tree, which was now beginning to blossom. He slowly made his way over, clutching onto his doctors case, with Gordon following on behind, not saying a word, as not to cause any more distress.

"Jill... It's me. How are you feeling now? Gordon said you weren't well?" He stood back from her, as not to overwhelm her. She didn't turn to face him, instead concentrating her gaze elsewhere. Gordon, however, remained silent, the lack of sleep finally taking it's toll.

"Look, why don't we sit down eh? I want to help you. But you need to let me." He finished, waiting for Jill's response. He noticed her hands were shaking slightly, and her delicate frame becoming weary, yet she was trying not to show it. He decided to walk up to her, followed by Gordon. The two men stood either side of her, just incase.

She'd always liked Mike. To her he was like a breath of fresh air, a new, young take on things. He was a good doctor, and a person she fully respected and liked. It was Mike who first informed Jill of the pregnancy, who respected her confidence, and told Gordon on her behalf. He'd been wonderful so far, and now, she felt, she needed him again. Nodding her head, she turned to him, her eyes heavy, a single tear falling down her tearstained face. Behind her Gordon was smiling, thinking they'd finally turned a corner.

"Ok. Ok." Gordon placed his hand in hers, and led her over to the garden table, where they all sat, Mike resting his case on his lap, ready to begin...


	5. Morning Consultation

Normally Mike would do his consultations in the comfort of a room, where the patient felt most comfortable, safe. Very rarely, if ever would he examine a patient outside, where the weather and events were entirely unpredictable. However Jill, his dear friend, was the exception to the rule.

"Well.. the good news is that baby seems perfectly healthy." Mike sat back, the warmth of the sun making a difficult situation less scary, especially with the sun radiating off the brass clip on Mike's case. She hadn't made eye contact with either of the two men, part of her not concentrating, not wanting to believe Mike's news, which, to Gordon, was the best news he could've hoped for. For now at least.

"On the other hand, I'd like to keep an eye on you, just in case. After last time we can't take any chances." Gordon nodded in agreement, more settled now he knew things were going to be ok. Yet Jill's reaction was troubling them both, the reluctance to attach herself to the baby was alarming, if somewhat distressing. Instead of listening to Mike's diagnosis and subsequent advice, she began fiddling with her wedding ring, an action with went unnoticed by both.

"However, you will need more regular appointments this time. I can make arrangements when I get back." Gordon nodded once more, pleased that things were finally looking more positive. Jill, however, barely raised her head.

"I'd also like, with your permission, to ask Lucy to chat to you both. I feel she can help. Jill?" He glanced over, noticing that Jill was still fiddling with her wedding ring. She hadn't raised her head at all, so Mike was unsure if she'd heard his proposal. A psychiatrist. Mike thought they needed professional help.

And he was probably right.

"Gordon.. Tell you get any help after last time?" Mike looked up, wondering what his response may be. "No." Gordon shook his head, leaving Mike feeling slightly speechless.

"Ok. Jill?" She still hadn't spoken, the colour now returning to her face, now the sickness had passed. Until tomorrow, that is.

"Look, you can either stay silent, allow me to make decisions for you. Decisions you may not like but I need you to talk to me. Please?" The two men went silent once more. Waiting patiently for Jill to speak, nod or shake her head, anything to acknowledge what had been said in the last half hour, as to them, they simply weren't sure.

"Ok. Just do what you need to." Again, there was no emotion in her voice, almost like she was saying what they wanted to hear.

"Ok. I'll speak to Lucy, see if she can pop in. I really think she can help."

He looked at his watch, and decided as he could spend some time with the Ormerods, who clearly needed his help..


	6. Morning Revelation

An hour had passed since Mike's arrival. The two men had stayed in the garden, trying to encourage Jill to say something, anything to let them know what she was really feeling. Which was despair, pain and anxiety.

"Look, I don't think admitting to hospital would do anything beneficial, but I do have my concerns. I'll send Lucy round, I know how well they get on." Gordon nodded in agreement, willing to try and do anything to help. Yet he had his own worries, the dream still playing in his mind. However he knew that everything would be ok, Mike was a good doctor and would take great care of them both. They had taken themselves into a quiet corner, leaving Jill alone with her thoughts. Time to think. Time to reflect. Time to think about what could've been. Had the baby survived they wouldn't be in this dark place now, desperate for answers she never got.

"No!" She shouted, taking the two men completely by surprise. Gordon turned to look at her, wondering what had made Jill suddenly shout, in a tone he knew all too well. She stood, albeit shakily, walking over to them, glancing down occasionally.

"Jill?" Mike asked, curious to know what she was thinking. She'd looked so deep in thought she barely acknowledged Mike's presence, co-operating with him, but not really concentrating as such.

"No. I know what you're thinking. But the truth is, I'm trying not to get attached incase it happens again. If we get to the 6 month stage, then I'll start to feel happy with it. Until then, we'll see. Just promise me we'll get there. That's all I ask of you. Both of you."

The two men were taken aback by Jill's surprise outburst, but, to them it made perfect sense. Anything could happen up to the 6th month, Jill knew all too well how critical those weeks were. Every week that passed without incident was a blessing. They all knew that.

Jill, as far as Gordon was concerned, had turned a corner. One he fully understood.

"Yes. We'll get there. I promise you that. We'll get there." Mike said confidently, smiling, finally able to get to the bottom of Jill's anguish.

Unbeknown to them, Jill was beginning to feel better already, yet they all knew they hd a long way to go.

"Look, I can see you have a lot of talking to do, so I'll leave you to get on with that. I'll make an appointment for you to come and see me, and I won't get Lucy involved for now. Have tomorrow off, and call me if there's any problems." They thanked him, had it not been Mike's patience and understanding, the situation could've turned very differently indeed..


	7. A problem shared

It had been half an hour since Mike left, leaving Jill and Gordon alone once more. Allowing them both time to talk, time to clear the air. Maybe share a few tears along the way.

There had been an uneasy silence between them, only for a short while, before Jill decided to make the first move.

"Gordon, I'm sorry if I seemed to be... erm... impossible earlier" She knew deep down that Mike was right, they did have a lot to talk about, and it needed to be said sooner rather than later. If she didn't want Lucy to get involved, then she knew it was down to her.

"Don't be. It's understandable." The wind had died down somewhat now, and the sun was getting ever stronger, the warmth coming through, prompting Gordon to remove his jacket, instead wrapping it around Jill's shoulders. She smiled, and looked up at Gordon, who was now standing proudly behind her.

"I meant what I said. It's the fear of not knowing. Until we get passed the critical stage I won't be entirely happy. After that... yes we can start discussing baby names, decorate the nursery, do baby things. But not before." Gordon nodded, secretly pleased that Jill was starting to come round to the idea, in her own way.

"Ok." He didn't know what else to say, except agreeing with what she had said previously. This baby was alive, very much so, and making its presence known, and it could be another 5 months before they could finally hold their much longed for child. Some might call it a miracle baby.

"We'll get there. I know we will." His hope and optimism was admirable, yet Jill's thoughts were stuck in the past, thinking about the what could have been. Their first born would be celebrating their 1st birthday in a couple of months. A celebration for many reasons. First word, first smile, walking, first trip to the beach. Instead nothing.

"I think about her all the time. What could've been. I never expected to do this all again so quickly." She glanced down,a solitary tear gliding down her cheek, the day still very clear in her mind.

"I know. Me too. But I love you. Both of you."


	8. Positive Thinking

Firstly... a big thank you to all of you for your continued support and sticking with the fic! All your feedback/follows etc are wonderful and fully appreciated.

The air had cleared, leaving both of them feeling like a huge weight had finally been lifted. They'd both shared their worries, Gordon telling a tearful Jill about the dream that had haunted him for the past 24 hours, and Jill finally spoke about her worries, her thoughts about having another child so soon after losing the first one. A lot of tears were shed, many tissues lying used on the garden table, a empty glass sitting in the middle, Gordon having used it to drown his sorrows (strictly medicinal of course). Jill on the other hand, still had things playing on her mind, but at least she felt somewhat comfortable about sharing her fears.

They had Mike to thank, if it wasn't for him they'd both be still in a dark place, not talking, sharing. Living in fear. They had a long way to go, another 5 months to be precise. The longest 5 months. The dream of holding their perfect son or daughter at the end was the defining moment, the moment Gordon had been thinking about for a very long time.

The fact that Jill was now beginning to accept the baby meant a lot to him, although he understood her reasons for not wanting to get too attached, after the drama and heartbreak of the last really thought he'd lost her too. The worry that Jill may never get pregnant again. Or if she did, the real possibility of another miscarriage was the main concern for them both. Her fear was more than justified.

"You look tired. Why don't you go in for a bit?"Jill said, noticing Gordon's struggle to remain awake, his eyes growing heavier by the second. His lack of sleep was finally catching up with him, despite his best efforts to stay awake. Even the coffee, the one thing he relied on during night shifts, wasn't enough.

"Ok. Only if you're sure" He smiled, weakly, noticing that Jill was now looking brighter now, her colour returning, her smile returning once more. It was the Jill he fell in love with.

"Yes. I'm sure. In fact I'll probably follow you in a bit!" She placed her hand on his shoulder, providing the reassurance he desperately needed, he knew from last time that it was ok to have a wobble once in a while. He remembered what happened the last time he'd bottled things up, led to Jill's emotional revelation that she was pregnant. That led to the emotional garden conversation, when they vowed to share how they felt, any fears, worries. He'd kept his promise to her.

He walked back inside, knowing exactly where he was heading. But something caught his eye. A letter which had been posted through the letterbox by the ever jolly postman. A letter, the address handwritten, the writing itself he didn't recognise. The letter was addresed to Jill. Instead of heading upstairs, he picked up the letter, walked back through the house to the garden, where Jill still sat in deep thought. He placed the letter down infront of her. "For you I believe," he said, still puzzled.

Jill smiled, and opened the letter carefully, unfolding the white sheet that was neatly folded inside. Gordon looked on, still puzzled as Jill read the letter, her smile growing bigger, before turning to Gordon, still overwhelmed by the news.

"Everything ok?" Gordon tried to work out who this mystery letter could be from, and why Jill would be so happy after reading its contents

"Yes.. It's from my brother. He's got some leave soon, and he's coming for a visit. Been ages since I saw him last." Now, Gordon understood Jill's sudden change of mood. She was devastated when he couldn't attend the wedding, so she was more than looking forward to seeing her beloved brother once more...


	9. Silent Night

Night time had fallen over Elsinby. With Tom and Katie tucked up snugly in their beds, despite some protestation from Katie, who wanted to stay up a little bit longer, leaving Jill and Gordon having some quiet time alone before they too retired for the night. Gordon, having had very little sleep the night before, was thinking about settling down, but Jill haad other ideas.

She sat outside, on the bench under the tree, looking up at the starlit sky, searching for the brightest one of all. For that, she decided, was her child, the one she'd had cruelly lost, taken in the most tragic of circumstances.

She couldn't take her eyes off the stars, all so clear, so bright. Each one probably had it's own story. She'd hoped her child (she'd secretly hoped for a daughter), was looking down, watching, looking after her mother. Times like this she wanted her back. Dreaming of what would've happened had she lived, all the milestones they'd reach, the apple of her mother's eye. The baby everyone would've wanted to see.

She sat, in perfect silence, her mind turning onto this baby, although she knew that baby would never replace the one she lost, she hoped she'd get to hold this one, watch it grow, develop, watch Gordon hold his newborn son or daughter for the first time, his smile meant everything to her.

She hadn't noticed Gordon come into the garden, smiling as he walked up to her, sitting beside her, wrapping her dressing gown around her shoulders, just incas she was getting cold.

"Look" She said quietly, pointing to a star, shining brightly over the top of their apple tree "There she is." It took a moment for Gordon to work it out, but, once he did, he smiled, placing his hand on her knee, looking at the star, Jill still in deep thought, thinking about the future.

"It's like she's looking down, telling us she's ok." Gordon smiled, yawning quietly, pleased that Jill was at peace with things, thinking about life, thinking about what could've been. Gordon didn't speak, his presence alone meant everything, as this was something they had to do together.

"Yes. Brightest star in the sky. Beautiful." Jill rested her head on Gordon's shoulder, still looking out, " Oh look, there's Orion" She pointed to a group of stars, neatly arranged, Gordon nodding, having had to look a bit harder to find it.

"And there, to the right, Seven sisters" Gordon pointed out, Jill following his finger to another group of stars, also neatly arranged, the fact there was no cloud made it even more special. All they could hear was the gentle noise of the sea, lapping onto the shore.

"It's like she knows you were feeling sad today, her way of cheering you up," Gordon said, tightening his grip on Jill's knee, glancing over at Jill, who was smiling, albeit with a slight tear in her eye.

"It'll be ok. Won't it?" Asked Jill, the late hour catching up with her, but not quite ready to head inside just yet.

"Yes. That I am absolutely certain of. Everything will work out, and we'll have our baby. Everything will be ok. I promise" He lifted hair, and noticed that Jill had fallen asleep, her head still resting on his shoulder. He thought about waking her, to get her inside to bed, but, with the stars shining bright, he decided to leave her for a while, she seemed so at peace, so, well, perfect. They both were. Seemed a shame to wake her so soon after her nodding off, after all she needed her sleep.

"Yes, everything will be ok" Gordon whispered, vowing to keep his promise, his gaze firmly fixed on the bright star above the apple tree, wishing for a healthy baby, and for Jill to remain in good health, that was all he wanted.

As he glanced at her, still sleeping soundly, he couldn't help but smile. They were perfect. They both were.


End file.
